Christmas 2010

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE

We had a lovely day with family and friends. We had Shane's brother Chris and his family and Shane's sister Sharon and her family and my mum and dad over for Christmas lunch. It was good to have something to do, to be busy, to have to clean, to organise, to entertain people and just be busy. I had my moments throughout the day, just times when I wished James could see something funny, taste something yummy, look at a present, listen to someone telling a story . . .

We all got lovely presents and the boys were spoilt as normal. I got back into sending Christmas cards this year and placed the above photo of the boys on them. We have been getting the Christmas bears for James so included them in the photo too. I got this idea from our dear friend Fiona, as she did the same for Imogen.

We all had a wonderful day, we also sent our James some yellow balloons in the afternoon, we hope that you got them our beautiful boy. Missing you here with us.

xoxox

Make A Wish Porsche Day

The boys were invited to the Make A Wish Porsche day on Sunday to display the remote control electric cars. Shane and Brent jumped at the chance to give something back to a very worthwhile cause. Liam and I went along to look at all the cars, they were amazing. Very expensive and shiny. We had a wonderful morning out in the sun at the carpark in Highgate. I had lots of fun taking lots of photos and dreaming of a lotto win!!!

Thank you to Porsche Club WA for running such a wonderful event for all the Make A Wish families, there were 80 different families there on the day and 100 porsches showed up to take the families on a wonderful car ride from Hillaries to Perth. The Hyatt then put on a wonderful lunch for the drivers and the families. I am sure a good times was had by everyone.

Drool over these photos, just amazing!!!

10.10.10

Well, what a date yesterday.

20 months since James left us.

Liam and James are 20 months apart.

Liam is now older than his big brother James.

So weird.

It is just so surreal.

Not really knowing how to put it into words.

Liam is coming to terms with it as well.

He said to me yesterday, how do I say that James is my older brother,

when he is not older any more?

Days pass, time ticks by, but our love just seems to grow deeper.

Whether you are near or far away, you are always in my heart and mind.

xoxox

A Surprise Visit!

We were very lucky this week with a surprise visit from James, yes you read right, our James. My mum found an old camera with a film still inside. She was unable to start it and after many phone calls to find someone that could develop an old film and get it out of the camera, Mum found one in Forrestfield. They were very helpful and got the film out and sent it away to be developed. We were all holding our breath and hoping that there would be photos of James, but none of us actually said it out loud. When mum texted me, she said the photos were beautiful and that she would come around with them. I was too excited and scared to ask if there where any of James.

When mum arrived I knew that there must be some of James, just the look she gave me. They are beautiful. I have scanned them on me negative reader, but will take the negatives to a shop and have them put on cd as they can do such a better job than mine. I have included them with the blog. I feel so blessed to have this small piece of James, it is so hard to describe. I think the best way is that 'he has visited us'!

Missing you heaps my beautiful boy!!

We all love you so much.

xoxox

Time after Time

Some days, time just rushes past us in a flash and before we know it, a month has gone by. Other days, time goes oh so slow. It is amazing that, when I look back over my blog pages, I see so many emotions, happy, sad, angry, loneliness and longing to see our loved ones again.

Lots have been going on since I last wrote. Brent has been through quite a bit of late, final Semester one exams, reports, turning 17 and he got his driving license today. I have been dreading this day for a while now. Knowing that Brent has come of age were he is not so dependant on me any more. It has bought about some heart tearing emotions. The worry of him driving by himself, although he is a good driver, quite relaxed, not too nervous, careful of other drivers and respectful of the power a car has. The only real worry is he has a heavy foot and sometimes drives a little too fast, but he is a teenage boy and will soon learn his lessons of speeding. Brent is such a good kid, he has a good head on his shoulders and I trust him, it is just now that he can drive himself, there are the dangers of the road, many that I can no longer have control over. I think this is what is worrying me the most, that I can not keep him safe any more, it is up to him to keep himself safe. The loss of control, his independance, knowing he can really do what he wants now. Not really having to ask my permission to go somewhere, if he wants to go and he has got petrol, well then he can drive himself. I gather over time, I will learn to live with this fear. I miss him needing me already. :(

On another lighter note, Liam is doing well, keeping himself busy on the holidays. Going over mates houses for sleep overs, going paintballing, going to the movies and just hanging around at home, relaxing as he tells me. He is growing up fast too. This is his last year in primary school, we think we have decided to go to Swan View High as there doesnt really seem to be any other high schools around that we can get into easily. His best mate is going there too so he will have someone to hang out with.

Shane is busy as normal, working very hard to get all his jobs done. He has a few lined up at the moment which is good, but also it puts the pressure on him to finish them in a timely manner. I helped him out today. He got delivered some big heavy beams to the workshop and his brother Chris wasn't there to help, so I had to give him a hand to move them into the workshop so he could start welding and assembling them into something that resembled the base of a deck. Lots of fun, not. I look at the materials that were delivered and am amazed at how he puts it all together and gets such a beautiful finished job at the end. He is truely talented.

I am still working at the local school two days a week and am still looking for some extra days or a part time position in school hours. I still feel that although the boys are getting older and don't need me as much, I want to be there for them when they come home from school, on the holidays and just whenever they might need me. I am holding onto the apron strings with both hands still, it is slipping through a little bit, but I am trying to hold on. I know I will have to let go soon, but I just can't seem to let go just yet.

Our time away from James has been 1 year and 5 months last Saturday 10 July. We all miss him soooo much, some days worse than others. I think that is why I am trying to hold on, I feel like I need another child to fill that empty space, but I know that won't fix it either. Sometimes it is just too quiet in this house, even when all the boys are home, it really is lacking James' boisterous voice and his running around with boundless energy. Some days I just feel like I have no energy to even try and put on a smile for anyone. It doesn't get easier.

I miss you James everyday.

xoxox

Another Angel in Heaven :(

Yesterday, beautiful Imogen Holmes lost her battle against the horrible disease that is cancer. Immie found her angel wings at 1:19am. She is now at peace, with no pain, no cancer, free to run, play, jump and swim!!

We will all miss you Imogen, you have touched so many people in your far to short life. Look after James for us, run and play with your 'husband' Blake, make sure that Josh shares your Ben 10 things and cuddle and kiss beautiful little Savannah for her mum. We know you will get then all organised, and they will do as you tell them too!!

Sweet dreams Immie, fly free ........

xoxox

Happy 14th Birthday James

James' last birthday in 2008, at the Dads and Lads Camp with Camp Quality!!

Well, I can't believe my beautiful Angel Boy will be 14 tomorrow.

Happy birthday sweet heart, we hope you have a great day and you can blow out all those candles.

We will sing you happy birthday here and hopefully you will hear us!

It is amazing, I was looking for the last photo of James' Birthday in 2008 and have just realised that I was not there on the day. It has come as a shock to me, that I wasn't there for his last birthday here with us. It is amazing how you forget so many things. It was the first time that I wasn't there and it is now continuing. I am not there, to give him a birthday kiss, hug and showering him with presents, love and good wishes for a happy day. Congratulate him on how old he is getting and that we are so very proud of all that he has done. Last year I seemed to go through the day in a daze, as it was so close to when we said goodbye. This year I am torn apart that he is not here, not knowing what to do, where to go, how to celebrate a birthday that will never be.

My heart is aching for our dear James, wishing he was here. Also for the Holmes Family that will also struggle with a special birthday on Monday week. Little Imogen with turn 6 on the 26 April. Whether Imogen keeps going till then or she goes to sleep forever, it will be a hard day for her family as well. Anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, all special times when families are supposed to be together, are always the hardest times. Every day is a struggle without our Angel Babies with us, but on special days it is just so much harder.

Please sing Happy Birthday to James tomorrow, think of all the cool teenager things he would be up to. Think of the Holmes family who are preparing themselves for the worst heartache any parent can think of.

Have a great day James, catch the wishes we are sending you!!

xoxox

Missing You, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

We are connected,

My child and I,

By an invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

~ author unknown

Missing you

always

James Christopher Thomas.

xoxox

365 days, 12 Months, 1 Year .......

Missing you James, every day, every hour, every minute ...........

2010

Christmas Morning

Well, the new year has well and truly begun, already into the second month, which is bringing us so many different emotions.

Christmas was a quiet time for us, revolving around close family. New Year was brought in with close friends. We needed to be close as a family, holding onto each other for support and strength. We had a quiet holidays, although managed to be quite busy. Brent went to Sydney on a 'CanTeen' camp, which he thoroughly enjoyed and the other times he was working. Liam and myself went down to Bunbury for a night to visit wonderful friends and also managed to see some movies. Shane was kept quite busy with work, although he had some trouble with other businesses closing over the festive season and not being able to get supplies.

The boys went back to school today, Liam started Year 7 and Brent is in Year 12. Both will be in their final years. It is amazing how when your kids start something that will be their last time that it makes you think of times gone by. The memories of them little came flooding back today, Brent in Kindy, some 13 years ago, he was sooo cute. Liam being just a baby at the time, having James getting into everything, climbing and running. To think really it was not that long ago, although Liam keeps telling me that it is. I am sure it won't be too long until he is saying to me, 'Mum where did the time go?'

Brent with his Kindy Teacher - When Liam was born - My Three Sons

It is a big year of firsts and lasts, Brent will get his car licence, complete his education and become more independant. Liam will complete primary school, go away to Year 7 camp and grow up far to quickly. It will be the first anniversary of James' passing. Not sure what feelings that will bring, but am bracing myself. I have a job for the whole year, I have not been employed since James got sick some three years ago. Shane with the business, exploring new opportunities and hopefully a new ute!!!

So many things are going around in my head, thinking of times passed, but looking to the future, wondering what it will bring. We as a family have been through so many emotions over the holidays and have many more to come. It is just taking time to be able to processes it all. The thought of Brent growing sooooo quickly is just mind boggling. It makes you realise that you must stop and take the time with your kids, because before you know it, they are all grown up. You are just left with each other. Although that is nice, it gives us time to re-connect and enjoy what brought us together in the start.

Well to all I hope that 2010 is good to you. That we can all enjoy this new beginning of a new year and be kind to each other. Remember the good times that have passed and treasure the ones to come.

Remember to love your family and always ring your MUM!!!
xoxox