Time after Time

Some days, time just rushes past us in a flash and before we know it, a month has gone by. Other days, time goes oh so slow. It is amazing that, when I look back over my blog pages, I see so many emotions, happy, sad, angry, loneliness and longing to see our loved ones again.

Lots have been going on since I last wrote. Brent has been through quite a bit of late, final Semester one exams, reports, turning 17 and he got his driving license today. I have been dreading this day for a while now. Knowing that Brent has come of age were he is not so dependant on me any more. It has bought about some heart tearing emotions. The worry of him driving by himself, although he is a good driver, quite relaxed, not too nervous, careful of other drivers and respectful of the power a car has. The only real worry is he has a heavy foot and sometimes drives a little too fast, but he is a teenage boy and will soon learn his lessons of speeding. Brent is such a good kid, he has a good head on his shoulders and I trust him, it is just now that he can drive himself, there are the dangers of the road, many that I can no longer have control over. I think this is what is worrying me the most, that I can not keep him safe any more, it is up to him to keep himself safe. The loss of control, his independance, knowing he can really do what he wants now. Not really having to ask my permission to go somewhere, if he wants to go and he has got petrol, well then he can drive himself. I gather over time, I will learn to live with this fear. I miss him needing me already. :(

On another lighter note, Liam is doing well, keeping himself busy on the holidays. Going over mates houses for sleep overs, going paintballing, going to the movies and just hanging around at home, relaxing as he tells me. He is growing up fast too. This is his last year in primary school, we think we have decided to go to Swan View High as there doesnt really seem to be any other high schools around that we can get into easily. His best mate is going there too so he will have someone to hang out with.

Shane is busy as normal, working very hard to get all his jobs done. He has a few lined up at the moment which is good, but also it puts the pressure on him to finish them in a timely manner. I helped him out today. He got delivered some big heavy beams to the workshop and his brother Chris wasn't there to help, so I had to give him a hand to move them into the workshop so he could start welding and assembling them into something that resembled the base of a deck. Lots of fun, not. I look at the materials that were delivered and am amazed at how he puts it all together and gets such a beautiful finished job at the end. He is truely talented.

I am still working at the local school two days a week and am still looking for some extra days or a part time position in school hours. I still feel that although the boys are getting older and don't need me as much, I want to be there for them when they come home from school, on the holidays and just whenever they might need me. I am holding onto the apron strings with both hands still, it is slipping through a little bit, but I am trying to hold on. I know I will have to let go soon, but I just can't seem to let go just yet.

Our time away from James has been 1 year and 5 months last Saturday 10 July. We all miss him soooo much, some days worse than others. I think that is why I am trying to hold on, I feel like I need another child to fill that empty space, but I know that won't fix it either. Sometimes it is just too quiet in this house, even when all the boys are home, it really is lacking James' boisterous voice and his running around with boundless energy. Some days I just feel like I have no energy to even try and put on a smile for anyone. It doesn't get easier.

I miss you James everyday.

xoxox